Being in legal field comes with a very useful yet detrimental ability to out-logic your own heart. The success in achieving a complete belief with every inch of your being that one option is better than another simply because of rationale, or convincing yourself of a feeling while walking on a path of shattered glass and nails waiting for it to hurt.
Eventually the pain comes out and you get that restless feeling when you don’t know what is it that could possibly remedy it. All you can do is sleep and hope to awake different, happy.
What should I chose - Safe car that drives by the speed limit and makes one or two turns, OR a fast, dangerous one that is inevitably going to crash?
Is it really all about timing? Or will it happen if it is meant to happen? Or maybe something in between? I am not sure. It is easy to blame yourself for not making the right decision in right time to come to the right outcome. However, what do we really know about timing and how must is there for us to really be in control of?
As the hurricane Sandy approached New York and stalled my life in a limbo like state, timing seems to not be of an essence. I am starting to see what is there when time stops, restaurants and bars are closed, and I sit here alone, in my New York apartment and wonder. Wonder, if the decisions I made were the right ones and if the path I am on is leading me to the place I see myself at. Or was it all for nothing - the pain, the strength I had to develop, the pressure and the overcoming everything dream to reach the end of this tunnel and finally make myself and my family happy.
I guess only time will tell.
No one will ever know what happens behind the closed doors, in the secret place where we live our lives. One can wonder, one can even theorize. But no one will ever know the losses, the fears, the sacrifices, the pressures and struggles, the lonely nights and the dead ends. No one.
There is something to be said of the mysterious soul that a woman is given. It is a gift and a punishment at the same time. And no one will ever know.
Inspired by “Things you can’t tell just by looking at her” (2011)